Life lesson #4354312847

I didn't use to really understand why some people would get so easily disappointed by other people's action. I know some follow with consequences but I was naive to think that one should not care so much if it doesn't have a direct affect on them or if you are not the victim. I guess over time, as I matured and evolved as an adult, I became more self-aware and I noticed that these behaviors caused by others shaped how I think.

Tonight, I was disappointed by an action of a friend. Though the action has no direct affect on me, I questioned the integrity of the person. To be fair, I know I have also disappointed people with my actions so I am in no position to pass judgment. In fact, I am questioning of whether I can stay neutral or choose not say anything about it (to the friend) because the bottom line is that it does not affect me directly. But again, I am disappointed. I want to know what caused this person to do it. I want to know the truth. Most of all, I want to know how I can change it.

As I become more and more single these days, I realized I have only myself to look after first and foremost. I am writing this to remind myself that I should be careful of whom I let in my life but also keep an open mind to allow positivity and various influences to flow through. I don't want to be judgmental and I don't want to take life too seriously but at the same time, I want to treat things that matter with respect and integrity. Today, I learned that you can be disappointed in others but I don't think it is up to me to pass judgment but only as a lesson to become aware of the complexity and vulnerability of human relationships.

I will remember you

My dearest 爺爺 (yeah yeah/grandpa),

You are my role model.

When I think of you, I always think of how you used to carry me up the stairs to your old apartment on your back, like "mai ju zai", a little piggy on sale. I used to laugh all the way from the moment you had me on your back. Another memory was how you used to lead a group of people hiking all over the hills of Hong Kong in the winter and go swimming in the islands near Sai Kung in the summer. I still remembered how you pretended that you accidently bumped me off the boat, just for laughs.

But there is so much than just your sense of adventure, sense of humor, and knack for fun. You also have so much humanity. You have devoted your life as a father of four, grandfather of eight, and a wonderful husband to a beautiful, capable woman. You are kind and generous to your friends and you continued to have many friends to now, at age 93, almost 94. You were a dedicated volunteer to a Kowloon homeless shelter and served as the chairman for many years, by which you have given and raised much money to allow the shelter to grow and became an important place to those in need in Hong Kong. Yet all of this, you served humbly, never bragging how much you have put in but only appreciated what you were given and received.

These days, you know you are not the same anymore. You know that you have trouble with your memories, and I know how much it upsets you that you can't walk and go to places you used to go or wherever you want. When I asked you if you thought you would live this long, you said you never thought of it. Though I am sure you have but I think it's not something you question everyday because you live the moment. Now that your horizon has narrowed, you told me you are accepting that the life will bring you to a stage where you acknowledge what it is and you let it go to live the best of your ability and most of all, at its presence. Then each day, you live simplier and happier, and you look forward to those small things that make a difference and you move to things are that near and most important to you.

I wish you were closer to me, grandpa. I miss you lots.

Love,
柏琪 (Pak Kay)

Me...

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

久しぶり Hisashiburi!!!

So many things have happened in the past few months that I had to check my calendar or look at pictures to remind myself what I did. Work has been extremely busy but productive. I don't want to sound like I am bragging nor I can go into details right now but I am doing well - basically making the company a good amount of money and most of all, keeping my students happy. Outside of work, I am having a lot of fun. There are always good dinners, drinking, clubbing, karaokes, shopping, beach, Starbucks, getting out of Fukuoka etc. I could hardly keep track. So I made a vow - I am going to update this blog more often with things that I did, even if it's just a short entry.

Starting with this weekend...after work, I went out to dinner with a couple of my favorite students - Masami and Hisayo. Masami found us this awesome kushikatsu 串カツ place - essentially deep fried skewers of meat, veggies etc. The place was small - only 13 counter seats and it's what Japanese people called a Ｂ級グルメ (B kyuu gurume), second class gourmet restaurant but I came out a happy buddha over good food and wonderful new friends.

Left to right: Hisayo, me, Masami

But that wasn't over yet - after dinner, the night was still young so I went out to karaoke with Tanya - my wife in Japan and her co-workers. Seriously, Tanya and I have bonded since our training in April and we have been hanging out more and more since. In fact, our iPhone calendars sync every weekend when we meet because we make and got plans for each other (hehehe)! Going back to karaoke - one of my favorite pastime in Japan. I always have a ton of fun singing songs I'd never imagine I would be able to sing or not sure how I even know. This week, I have been to karaoke twice. Once on a weekday when another friend Sachiko came from out of town and I stayed up until 3:30am - a handful of us stayed out on a school night. Anyway, on Saturday night, I sang with Jeff, my fellow American, and one helluva karaoke rapper. We had a lot of fun singing Crazy Train, End of the Road, and many more songs both cheesy and cool.

Jeff & Tiff

Next day, Tanya and I went to Higher Ground Musical Festival at 海の中道 uminonakamichi. We stayed there the whole day, listened to a lot of cool J-Pop music, got drunk, sunburnt, and managed a few laughs with the locals. It was a really great day and so glad we did it even though no Japanese person came with us and we hardly understood anything. Anyway, I'll post some more photos and write about this event again later when I have more time.

Higher Ground 2010

Tanya & I

Today, Monday, is my Japanese lesson day. These days, I take 2 lessons a week - one, today, at a community center taught by volunteers, and a private lessons which I pay a lot of money for at the Japanese language school. Monday is usually my chill day where I would spend a good amount of time studying Japanese at Starbucks. Of course, there are also errands to run, laundry to do, apartment to clean but it's typically my chill-day. Last Wednesday, my bike was taken away by the city because I parked it at an illegal spot with hundreds of others because there are not enough parking in the area. To retrieve my bike was a real pain in the ass but luckily, Masami, my student, kindly offered to go with me as my translator/caretaker, and I was able to reunite with my bike without a glitch. I am soooooo grateful to her. After getting my bike back, Roger and I met up for some frisbee at the park where we both got some good exercise. Then onto Starbucks where I met up with Tanya to study some Japanese for a couple of hours. Before heading home, we stopped at the supermarket to pick up a bag full of half-priced bentos as our lunches for the rest of the week.


So that's my life here. Tomorrow, it's my Monday (even though technically it's Tuesday). I dread it every week because I have so much fun on the weekends. But, I have something to look forward to - another weekend of fun fun fun. I got birthday parties, clubbing, picnic at the park with friends, fireworks and more coming up.

最高 に楽しい ね Saikou ni tanoshii ne! Yay!

A new yoga pose, a new meaning

I have been doing yoga for nearly 7 years. It is something I always look forward to, especially when there are somethings on my mind.

While in Japan, I have been out of practice for a while because like many things, it's a hassle to do it without being fluent in the language, plus it's almost twice the price here for a yoga lesson (granted the studio is fully equipped with showers, towels, blow dryers...like a locker room at a spa. Yes, Chris, it's 5x better than Ace Hotel). But I was craving for it. Practicing on my own at home (something I am very inconsistent at and it includes rolling around, bending myself in unattractive poses for fun) it's nothing like going to a class. Anyway, I finally found the motivation to go to class on Monday and was surprised to learn a new pose - a variation of Eka Pada Rajakapotasana, one-legged pigeon.

At first, I couldn't do it on my own. I didn't quite know where to bend and how to reach my arms around my feet. It looked simple enough but I knew it was a big stretch. My teacher immediately saw my struggle, sat intimately closed to me with the posture I was supposed to have and gently but firmly (yoga teachers have the amazing ability to be gentle but strong at the same time) bend my right leg high enough to reach my right arm. Within seconds, I was locked into the position. She then sat behind me to regulate my breathing and deepen my breathe. Though the pose only lasted for another minute, it was the most fantastic 1 minute of the entire 1.5 hours yoga class. I knew the pose was perfect. After that, we switched. I was able to do the other side on my own but when I returned home that night, I ungracefully struggled into the pose. Though I finally managed to get into it, I couldn't hold it very long and my breathing was all over the place. It was definitely far less than perfect. So tonight as I was biking home, I thought about what happened and how my students may also be struggling to master what English they were able to communicate in class as compared to their success on their own. I want to know how I can help them improve and motivate to continue what they can achieve. I want everyone of them to come away with a meaningful learning - something they can think about from various angles and perspectives of their lives, like this new yoga pose I have just encountered, thanks to an attentive yoga teacher. Om......

Wabi Sabi

Spring in Japan is absolutely beautiful and poetic. As I walked home late tonight, I detoured to small neighborhood park. It was a warm night and there was a faint sweet smell in the air from the cherry blossoms. There was a swing right underneath a big cherry blossoms tree and since no one was at the park, I sat on the swing and started swinging like a little kid. Many thoughts went through my head, especially of people I love. It was a calming moment after another busy day at work, followed by a fantastic dinner with great company. At that moment, I was very moved by the beauty and peacefulness and I was thinking how lucky I am to be here.

It has been a little over four months since my arrival in Japan and my life here has been really full, especially in the last couple of months. I am confident to say that Japan and I have established a solid foundation of our relationship but there is still so much to learn from my part. Even though I haven't been here that long, I felt like I have already lived so much. I have been blessed with new friends - both Japanese and foreigners who have kept me busy with my social life. My Japanese is improving day-by-day but I do wish I have the motivation to study harder, I got to do kendo - something I had wanted to do for a long time, and travel to somewhere at least once a month - a promise I made to myself. I am also doing well at work (well, actually, I am not 100% sure because they haven't told me anything, but from what I have been told, you will not know if you do well but you will know if you don't do well because my boss will make sure to tell you) and I have great co-workers who are kind, hardworking, understanding, and competent. And then there are the guys - Roger and Wasim, the other foreign teachers at my school who have been here for a while and they are supportive, cool to work with (no dramas!) and would watch my back. I am also really enjoying teaching and I love interacting with my students. Some of them I have grown to love and they have given me so much by sharing their culture with me. I just have been treated very well by the people here. I love Japan and I feel that Japan loves me back.

With all the stimulation and experiences, I don't think it has changed me as a person but like most experiences from extensive traveling, I have deepened and I have gotten to know myself better. This also has to do with me being single and living alone for the first time in my life. I feel I have a lot of freedom and tuning in to myself more. I found myself more mature, more cautious with my emotions, and a little more self-aware. Which, by all means come with the realization that I still have so much to work on - I need to be more observant, to be more conscientious, to pay more attention to my surroundings, to be less reckless, to be careful with my words. All of these I have read and have been told can be learned by "observing how Japanese traditions and history reflected in daily life, how family and respect for others are cultivated, how teamwork is valued from school to work, how persistence and gambaru (trying hard) are often emphasized over innate ability" from Living Abroad in Japan by Ruth Kanagy. One of favorite students told me this week that the spirit of Japanese people is effort. As wabi sabi - the realization and acknowledgment of impermanence when nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect - is observed, it is your effort, not your talent that would allow you to reach 悟りSatori - enlightenment in Zen Buddhism.

Tonight, as I was alone in the park, swinging on the swing, listening to John Mayer's Gravity, admiring the beautiful cherry blossoms, I found a moment of wabi sabi as I acknowledged the natural course of changes in my life, the relationships I have that are unfinished, and my search for happiness doesn't stop even when I am feeling happy. What is extraordinary about this is that I have found a moment of satori in such an unexpected place.

Gravity
by John Mayer

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is!

Reflecting on the 32 years

It's 12:38am, Friday, March 5. I was born 32 years ago.

My earliest memory goes back to when I was about 5 or 6, maybe even 7. It was probably summer time in Hong Kong because I was wearing a yellow t-shirt and shorts. As soon as my mom left the door, I rushed to the balcony to see her walking out from our apartment building to the streets. She was going shopping at the wet market down the road. I remembered that I liked looking down and seeing the world outside. I remembered I wanted mom home as soon as possible but I also really enjoyed the freedom and independence.

Some other memories were of my grandfather. I have snapshots of him carrying me on his back as he climbed the stairs to his apartment and I would laugh all the way home. I remembered once where he purposely pushed me off the boat into the ocean with his butt just for laughs. I remembered how my grandparents would eat very late dinners and how much my grandfather loved my grandmother and her cooking. I really miss seeing them together.

Elementary school was a bit blurry as I was a terrible student and home life was challenging because there were so much focus on academic success from parents to their children in Hong Kong. Though it was devastating at first to hear that you are being shipped to a boarding school far, far away in England when you are only 10 years old. In hindsight, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I couldn't be more grateful to my parents' decision and their sacrifices to make that happen. My life would just be really different now if I wouldn't have gone.

Some memories from England are so still so fresh in my mind that it feels like it only happened a few years ago. Some are very distance too but unforgettable. Such as a popular girl defending me from being teased because I didn't speak English well, to the first Benson and Hedges menthol cigarette (God, I so want one of those right now). Then, there were the first experiences with boys. The boyfriends, dates, dark classrooms, instruments closets, and many many more. And how much I still love the friends from Moira House, even though I haven't seen them for ages. So glad we have been able to stay in touch via Facebook.

Leaving England and moving to the US public school system was a shocking transition for me. I think that was the first time I have seriously experienced culture shock, except I didn't even know what it was at that time. Cheerleading, homecoming, proms, gangs, tagging, American history, Calculus, SATs were all so new and foreign to me. In addition, I was living at home again, under the same roof with my mom whom I never really got along with and while my dad was working in Beijing. It was all really challenging for both of us and unfortunately, this transition didn't bring us any closer.

Going to college was a great escape for me. I was accepted by UCSB on my birthday 14 years ago. I never even visited the school but I knew that was it. Like many college students in the States, especially the ones who attended a party school, I had a really wild time. You can use your imagination on what I might have experienced or done. At one point, I almost go kicked out of school because I was doing so bad but luckily, I met Luis who provided me stability and love so I was able to concentrated on the wonderful education I was getting and finally graduated. A couple of months before I left for Japan, he paid me a surprise visit. After more than 5 years apart, we were very different people except he is still a big part of who I am. I felt extremely uncomfortable on that day because he wanted to thank me on some things that I don't even think about anymore but I wish I could tell him now that I am thankful he had rescued me from destroying my life.

My next life with Nathan was dynamic. We were lovers, co-workers, best friends all rolled into one. He had allowed me to be who I was but challenged me to be better and brought out my confidence by supporting me in everything that I did. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him yet we both know that wouldn't have been the best decision. It was a bitter-sweet ending and it still hurts as I am writing this. It has been a huge "grow-up" lesson how to overcome something that you just have to accept what it is.

Here I am, in Japan, 32 years later. I am living out my dream - working and living in a foreign country, and this is just one of many things I am so grateful for. I have a job that I enjoy and I am doing what I love - teaching. New friends I have made here have been keeping me busy so I don't feel lonely for too long and old friends at home are still cheering me on, staying in touch almost every day, and sending me love and support during tough times. Financially, I am more stable than I have ever been. My relationship with my mom is good, and I am so looking forward to all the friends that are visiting me here this year! My health is good but I think I need a check up really soon! Overall, I am glad to be a pretty happy person and I am humbled by all of this.

So what's next for me. I am still not sure and I certainly do not want to set any expectations but perhaps I need to remind myself with a quote from one of my favorite yoga teachers in Santa Barbara, Eddie Ellner:

An exploration in nothing. If we are lucky.

Om. Nameste.