Reflecting on the 32 years

It's 12:38am, Friday, March 5. I was born 32 years ago.

My earliest memory goes back to when I was about 5 or 6, maybe even 7. It was probably summer time in Hong Kong because I was wearing a yellow t-shirt and shorts. As soon as my mom left the door, I rushed to the balcony to see her walking out from our apartment building to the streets. She was going shopping at the wet market down the road. I remembered that I liked looking down and seeing the world outside. I remembered I wanted mom home as soon as possible but I also really enjoyed the freedom and independence.

Some other memories were of my grandfather. I have snapshots of him carrying me on his back as he climbed the stairs to his apartment and I would laugh all the way home. I remembered once where he purposely pushed me off the boat into the ocean with his butt just for laughs. I remembered how my grandparents would eat very late dinners and how much my grandfather loved my grandmother and her cooking. I really miss seeing them together.

Elementary school was a bit blurry as I was a terrible student and home life was challenging because there were so much focus on academic success from parents to their children in Hong Kong. Though it was devastating at first to hear that you are being shipped to a boarding school far, far away in England when you are only 10 years old. In hindsight, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I couldn't be more grateful to my parents' decision and their sacrifices to make that happen. My life would just be really different now if I wouldn't have gone.

Some memories from England are so still so fresh in my mind that it feels like it only happened a few years ago. Some are very distance too but unforgettable. Such as a popular girl defending me from being teased because I didn't speak English well, to the first Benson and Hedges menthol cigarette (God, I so want one of those right now). Then, there were the first experiences with boys. The boyfriends, dates, dark classrooms, instruments closets, and many many more. And how much I still love the friends from Moira House, even though I haven't seen them for ages. So glad we have been able to stay in touch via Facebook.

Leaving England and moving to the US public school system was a shocking transition for me. I think that was the first time I have seriously experienced culture shock, except I didn't even know what it was at that time. Cheerleading, homecoming, proms, gangs, tagging, American history, Calculus, SATs were all so new and foreign to me. In addition, I was living at home again, under the same roof with my mom whom I never really got along with and while my dad was working in Beijing. It was all really challenging for both of us and unfortunately, this transition didn't bring us any closer.

Going to college was a great escape for me. I was accepted by UCSB on my birthday 14 years ago. I never even visited the school but I knew that was it. Like many college students in the States, especially the ones who attended a party school, I had a really wild time. You can use your imagination on what I might have experienced or done. At one point, I almost go kicked out of school because I was doing so bad but luckily, I met Luis who provided me stability and love so I was able to concentrated on the wonderful education I was getting and finally graduated. A couple of months before I left for Japan, he paid me a surprise visit. After more than 5 years apart, we were very different people except he is still a big part of who I am. I felt extremely uncomfortable on that day because he wanted to thank me on some things that I don't even think about anymore but I wish I could tell him now that I am thankful he had rescued me from destroying my life.

My next life with Nathan was dynamic. We were lovers, co-workers, best friends all rolled into one. He had allowed me to be who I was but challenged me to be better and brought out my confidence by supporting me in everything that I did. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him yet we both know that wouldn't have been the best decision. It was a bitter-sweet ending and it still hurts as I am writing this. It has been a huge "grow-up" lesson how to overcome something that you just have to accept what it is.

Here I am, in Japan, 32 years later. I am living out my dream - working and living in a foreign country, and this is just one of many things I am so grateful for. I have a job that I enjoy and I am doing what I love - teaching. New friends I have made here have been keeping me busy so I don't feel lonely for too long and old friends at home are still cheering me on, staying in touch almost every day, and sending me love and support during tough times. Financially, I am more stable than I have ever been. My relationship with my mom is good, and I am so looking forward to all the friends that are visiting me here this year! My health is good but I think I need a check up really soon! Overall, I am glad to be a pretty happy person and I am humbled by all of this.

So what's next for me. I am still not sure and I certainly do not want to set any expectations but perhaps I need to remind myself with a quote from one of my favorite yoga teachers in Santa Barbara, Eddie Ellner:

An exploration in nothing. If we are lucky.

Om. Nameste.