Wabi Sabi

Spring in Japan is absolutely beautiful and poetic. As I walked home late tonight, I detoured to small neighborhood park. It was a warm night and there was a faint sweet smell in the air from the cherry blossoms. There was a swing right underneath a big cherry blossoms tree and since no one was at the park, I sat on the swing and started swinging like a little kid. Many thoughts went through my head, especially of people I love. It was a calming moment after another busy day at work, followed by a fantastic dinner with great company. At that moment, I was very moved by the beauty and peacefulness and I was thinking how lucky I am to be here.

It has been a little over four months since my arrival in Japan and my life here has been really full, especially in the last couple of months. I am confident to say that Japan and I have established a solid foundation of our relationship but there is still so much to learn from my part. Even though I haven't been here that long, I felt like I have already lived so much. I have been blessed with new friends - both Japanese and foreigners who have kept me busy with my social life. My Japanese is improving day-by-day but I do wish I have the motivation to study harder, I got to do kendo - something I had wanted to do for a long time, and travel to somewhere at least once a month - a promise I made to myself. I am also doing well at work (well, actually, I am not 100% sure because they haven't told me anything, but from what I have been told, you will not know if you do well but you will know if you don't do well because my boss will make sure to tell you) and I have great co-workers who are kind, hardworking, understanding, and competent. And then there are the guys - Roger and Wasim, the other foreign teachers at my school who have been here for a while and they are supportive, cool to work with (no dramas!) and would watch my back. I am also really enjoying teaching and I love interacting with my students. Some of them I have grown to love and they have given me so much by sharing their culture with me. I just have been treated very well by the people here. I love Japan and I feel that Japan loves me back.

With all the stimulation and experiences, I don't think it has changed me as a person but like most experiences from extensive traveling, I have deepened and I have gotten to know myself better. This also has to do with me being single and living alone for the first time in my life. I feel I have a lot of freedom and tuning in to myself more. I found myself more mature, more cautious with my emotions, and a little more self-aware. Which, by all means come with the realization that I still have so much to work on - I need to be more observant, to be more conscientious, to pay more attention to my surroundings, to be less reckless, to be careful with my words. All of these I have read and have been told can be learned by "observing how Japanese traditions and history reflected in daily life, how family and respect for others are cultivated, how teamwork is valued from school to work, how persistence and gambaru (trying hard) are often emphasized over innate ability" from Living Abroad in Japan by Ruth Kanagy. One of favorite students told me this week that the spirit of Japanese people is effort. As wabi sabi - the realization and acknowledgment of impermanence when nothing lasts, nothing is finished, and nothing is perfect - is observed, it is your effort, not your talent that would allow you to reach 悟りSatori - enlightenment in Zen Buddhism.

Tonight, as I was alone in the park, swinging on the swing, listening to John Mayer's Gravity, admiring the beautiful cherry blossoms, I found a moment of wabi sabi as I acknowledged the natural course of changes in my life, the relationships I have that are unfinished, and my search for happiness doesn't stop even when I am feeling happy. What is extraordinary about this is that I have found a moment of satori in such an unexpected place.

Gravity
by John Mayer

Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh I'll never know what makes this man
With all the love that his heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Oh Gravity is working against me
And gravity wants to bring me down

Oh twice as much ain't twice as good
And can't sustain like a one half could
It's wanting more
That's gonna send me to my knees

Oh gravity, stay the hell away from me
And gravity has taken better men than me (now how can that be?)

Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
Just keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
C'mon keep me where the light is
Oh... where the light is!

Reflecting on the 32 years

It's 12:38am, Friday, March 5. I was born 32 years ago.

My earliest memory goes back to when I was about 5 or 6, maybe even 7. It was probably summer time in Hong Kong because I was wearing a yellow t-shirt and shorts. As soon as my mom left the door, I rushed to the balcony to see her walking out from our apartment building to the streets. She was going shopping at the wet market down the road. I remembered that I liked looking down and seeing the world outside. I remembered I wanted mom home as soon as possible but I also really enjoyed the freedom and independence.

Some other memories were of my grandfather. I have snapshots of him carrying me on his back as he climbed the stairs to his apartment and I would laugh all the way home. I remembered once where he purposely pushed me off the boat into the ocean with his butt just for laughs. I remembered how my grandparents would eat very late dinners and how much my grandfather loved my grandmother and her cooking. I really miss seeing them together.

Elementary school was a bit blurry as I was a terrible student and home life was challenging because there were so much focus on academic success from parents to their children in Hong Kong. Though it was devastating at first to hear that you are being shipped to a boarding school far, far away in England when you are only 10 years old. In hindsight, it was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I couldn't be more grateful to my parents' decision and their sacrifices to make that happen. My life would just be really different now if I wouldn't have gone.

Some memories from England are so still so fresh in my mind that it feels like it only happened a few years ago. Some are very distance too but unforgettable. Such as a popular girl defending me from being teased because I didn't speak English well, to the first Benson and Hedges menthol cigarette (God, I so want one of those right now). Then, there were the first experiences with boys. The boyfriends, dates, dark classrooms, instruments closets, and many many more. And how much I still love the friends from Moira House, even though I haven't seen them for ages. So glad we have been able to stay in touch via Facebook.

Leaving England and moving to the US public school system was a shocking transition for me. I think that was the first time I have seriously experienced culture shock, except I didn't even know what it was at that time. Cheerleading, homecoming, proms, gangs, tagging, American history, Calculus, SATs were all so new and foreign to me. In addition, I was living at home again, under the same roof with my mom whom I never really got along with and while my dad was working in Beijing. It was all really challenging for both of us and unfortunately, this transition didn't bring us any closer.

Going to college was a great escape for me. I was accepted by UCSB on my birthday 14 years ago. I never even visited the school but I knew that was it. Like many college students in the States, especially the ones who attended a party school, I had a really wild time. You can use your imagination on what I might have experienced or done. At one point, I almost go kicked out of school because I was doing so bad but luckily, I met Luis who provided me stability and love so I was able to concentrated on the wonderful education I was getting and finally graduated. A couple of months before I left for Japan, he paid me a surprise visit. After more than 5 years apart, we were very different people except he is still a big part of who I am. I felt extremely uncomfortable on that day because he wanted to thank me on some things that I don't even think about anymore but I wish I could tell him now that I am thankful he had rescued me from destroying my life.

My next life with Nathan was dynamic. We were lovers, co-workers, best friends all rolled into one. He had allowed me to be who I was but challenged me to be better and brought out my confidence by supporting me in everything that I did. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him yet we both know that wouldn't have been the best decision. It was a bitter-sweet ending and it still hurts as I am writing this. It has been a huge "grow-up" lesson how to overcome something that you just have to accept what it is.

Here I am, in Japan, 32 years later. I am living out my dream - working and living in a foreign country, and this is just one of many things I am so grateful for. I have a job that I enjoy and I am doing what I love - teaching. New friends I have made here have been keeping me busy so I don't feel lonely for too long and old friends at home are still cheering me on, staying in touch almost every day, and sending me love and support during tough times. Financially, I am more stable than I have ever been. My relationship with my mom is good, and I am so looking forward to all the friends that are visiting me here this year! My health is good but I think I need a check up really soon! Overall, I am glad to be a pretty happy person and I am humbled by all of this.

So what's next for me. I am still not sure and I certainly do not want to set any expectations but perhaps I need to remind myself with a quote from one of my favorite yoga teachers in Santa Barbara, Eddie Ellner:

An exploration in nothing. If we are lucky.

Om. Nameste.

Being a real Chinese for one day

February 14, 2010 fell on a Sunday this year. For many Americans, they celebrated along with the President's Day long weekend. Here in Japan, women (and only women...men buy things for women on White Day. Another blog topic later) were busy buying chocolates to give to their lovers, boyfriends, husbands, friends etc. In China and for Chinese people all around the world, including myself, we celebrated the first day of Chinese New Year!

Luckily for me, I was able to celebrate Chinese New Year so I can pretty much ignore the whole Valentine's Day thing. I didn't plan on this and it just happened by fate, I believe. A few weeks ago, I was asked by our honbucho (Japanese word for the director) to do an interview with a prospective student. This student, Barbara, was originally from Hong Kong but has been living in Japan for 12 years. Barbara's English level was excellent so it was an easy interview and we hit it off right away. Long story short, we emailed back and forth to meet outside school and we ended planning a trip to see the Chinese Lantern Festival in Nagasaki on Chinese New Year.

I have not celebrated Chinese New Year for a whole day since I was 10! For the past couple of years, I did make an effort to celebrate like going out to eat Chinese food or making Chinese food at home. I have seen some of the New Year's festivities in San Francisco too but it was usually a few hours of wandering around Chinatown before doing some shopping in Union Square. This year, I actually spoke Chinese almost the entire day with Barbara and even got a red envelope! When I was home with my family, I usually speak half English and Chinese so I actually felt that I haven't been this Chinese for a very long time!

So the day started early for me as I met Barbara and her boyfriend, Andrew in the morning for a 2-hour+ bus ride to Nagasaki. When we arrived, Mengya, the girl I trained with, who is also Chinese, greeted us along with one of her students. Our group was like a little United Nations meeting. There was me, American-Chinese, who could speak English with Mengya. Mengya, Canadian-Chinese, who could speak Mandarin Chinese to Barbara's boyfriend, Andrew. Barbara, who could speak Japanese to the student. Nevertheless, it was English which we communicated most of the day.

Once we were outside the bus station, we could see the lanterns hanging all around the city so it was really festive and the city was just packed with people. Here's Barbara and I in Chinatown.

This year is the Year of the Tiger 虎. Apparently, tiger is a sign of courage, fearlessness, and a fiery fighter , revered by the ancient Chinese as the sign that wards off the three main disasters of a household: fire, thieves and ghosts. On New Year's day itself, it is beneficial to celebrate, to be happy, to have smiling faces, and to refrain from scowling, quarreling, or criticizing anyone. Here's a tiger centerpiece at the center of the lantern's festivities:

Food is also an extremely important part of Chinese New Year's celebration. Originally, Barbara and I have planned on eating Chinese food but we ended up eating Japanese for lunch and Korean for dinner. Ha ha! We have absolutely no regrets because everything was delicious. Especially for lunch, we went to a restaurant that is famous for their chawan-mushi (Japanese steamed egg custard), which has ginko nuts, shrimp, crab, mushroom any many more ingredients in it. Look at the colorful, delicious-looking food as we all sat around a traditional Japanese dining room with tatame floors.


Last but not least, it wouldn't be complete to celebrate Chinese New Year's without seeing some dragons. On the way to the Confucius temple to pay our homage, we encountered a dragons parade. Yes, it was me who squealed at the beginning of the video. He he! Anyway...

Gung Hay Fat Choi! Shen Nien Kwai Le! 恭禧發財! 新年快乐!

Eat, Work, Love

So many small but interesting things happened during the week that I am having difficulty remembering them. I have been amazed that sometimes, a week went by and I felt like I have lived so much. When I was in Santa Barbara, I had a good life and it was easy to remember what happened. I was in a very familiar bubble with the same people I know for a while. Here, I see new faces all the time. I think I talk to about 100 students each week. I am still on sensory overload with my surroundings. Not that I am complaining here but I wish there is an easy way for me to remember it all because I feel like I am just swallowing my experiences and haven't had the time to digest.

Well, before I forget another interesting episode, I should just take this opportunity to record it. It's my first day of the weekend today. I woke up at 1pm because I stayed up too late to talk to my sister. Then my dad called after I woke up so I stayed in bed and spoke with him until 2pm. It was a nice outside, cold but sunny day so I decided to go explore the other side of town across the river. I found a big Asahi Beer factory and discovered how close it was to bike to all the popular destinations in Fukuoka. My bike is like my car and I am getting a work out from it too! Yay! So after roaming around in my bike, I was starving so I decided to treat myself to a nice meal. I choose a Japanese pasta restaurant. The only Italian thing about the place was that they used spaghetti. Even if they use cream and cheese for their sauces, the pasta tasted nothing Italian. Craving something that tasted like home, I settled for a meat sauce dish which comes with an raw an on top. It's like the red version of a spaghetti cabonara. It was really delicious but I wish I didn't have to eat it with disposable chopsticks. And there was no bread to scoope up the sauce! After dinner, I went to Starbucks to study Japanese. I was weening off Starbucks back in the US but here, it's better than going to Seattle's Best. (I so wish Coffee Bean will open one here. I have no doubt they will do really well.) An hour later, the girl I bought the bike from, Olinka and her roommate, Amanda joined me to hang out. Olinka is a strong, spiritual Mexican woman, around the same age as me. We hit it off right away when she sold me the bike. As we shared about our lives, I learned that she came to Japan after having done ayahuasca. I have only heard of ayahusca once on a TV show but in just one night, I met Olinka and this other Japanese guy whom we met randomly at a restaurant and did it while he was in an ashram in India. They were both so excited and enthusiastic talking about their experiences which made me wondered if I will want to do it in the future. Anyway, all of this coincidence happened because I was craving for Mexican food so Olinka took me to one in town and it was good! The Japanese owner spent 2 years in Guadalajara to perfect his skills and recreated a fairly authentic Mexican restaurant in the middle of a Japanese metropolis. Oh, all the tortillas were homemade. Ola!

Other than this interesting night with Olinka, I also had a really good week at work. As I am starting to get to know more of my students and getting more comfortable with the materials I have to teach, I realized I have some amazingly smart students - old and young. For example, one students used her best English in class to describe a show she saw on TV where you can trick your brain when you feel hungry by doing 10 seconds of quick steps and how it worked for her. Another student compared the rest of the Japanese with the Okinawans when paying respect to the dead. Many students are more than happy to offer me information about Japan and share their knowledge with me and their classmates. Like I said before, I wish I can just remember them all!

Perhaps the biggest lesson I learned this week is about letting go. Breaking up is hard enough itself but what I realized is that I am also losing my bestest friend - someone whom I have confided in with almost everything and whom I adore but I can no longer just tell him what I am thinking or how I feel. I now have to process these information on my own and figure it out. It is not that I wasn't able to do it on my own before but I enjoyed having his opinion and sometimes, simply to have someone to listen to and he was a great listener. He had allowed me bounce things off him and offered nothing but a few nods of acknowledgements. I know our breakup doesn't come any easier for him and maybe even harder in some ways so I wanted to respect his time and space. But, I feel so sad at times because as Tom Petty sings it "Good Love is Hard to Find".

Siging off with a deep breathe. Namaste.

It's Tuesday again. Another week here in the land of the rising sun. As I sat quietly at an onsen (hot springs) tonight, I reflected on the ups and downs of this past week. There were some really high times and then the low - very low, to the point I felt depressed. Luckily, I know how to bounce back and not let it get to me for too long. Plus I have some really good friends back home who are keeping taps on me, making sure I am staying afloat, and rooting for me even though we are thousands of miles away. Anyway, this was my roller coaster week:

Monday: Day 1 of being single. Getting out of bed was hard. Resisted all temptations of a breakup.

Tuesday: Work was a great escape but must put on a happy face.

Wednesday: Snow storm distraction (see previous post). Heard about the Haiti earthquake.

Thursday: Less snow. Lots of news about Haiti. My heart finally feel less heavy.

Friday: A little shaken from a FB status. Worried friends. Friendly neighborhood kitty came to keep me company. Donated money to Haiti. Felt good.

Saturday: Crazy busy work day but good. Learned a lot from my students and started to have a better grip on the flow of the lessons. Then crazy fun night out with co-workers and students.

Sunday: From the very high the night before followed by a very low day. I didn't want to get out of bed. Feeling lonely and homesick, I moped around until I found motivation to head out for some window shopping. I went to Canal City where there are lots of stores like Gap and Zara. Not only it gave me a little comfort of home, the thumping US rap and pop songs were a great distraction.

Monday (today): It was a nice sunny day and I was quite excited to go to my first Japanese lesson in the morning. Got a private lesson from an 85 year-old Japanese woman who volunteers at the community center where the lessons are held. She was really sweet and told me she likes sake. LOL! Another old lady who likes to drink (Chan is the other one). Maybe that's the real secret of longevity here. Sake and beer with good food = good life = longevity. Feeling good from the lesson, I randomly went to a ramen restaurant and ordered a lot of food. I am always a little proud of myself that I have the balls to just walk in to a place, order food with hardly any Japanese and manage to have a good meal. But what I was most happy about today was that I walked all the way to the next town, found the recycle /thrift store I researched on (with the help of my iPhone), bargained a little with the shopkeeper, bought and managed to get a coffee table delivered to my house!

What I learned this week is endurance and embracing challenges with good intentions and positive attitude. With a little help from my friends, I should be able to find green patches in the rough roads ahead.

Peace.

A snowy day in Fukuoka

Well, it finally snowed properly in Fukuoka today and the whole of Kyushu. I think we caught the cold front from China. Feeling kinda cold when I woke up, I opened up the drapes to my balcony and saw snow. For a second, it was like Christmas! and then it quickly daunted on me that I had a 15-minute walk to the train station. When I was ready to head out the door, it was snowing heavily. After a block, my umbrella was broken and I was covered in snow. No doubt I would've turned into a snowman if I had continued walking to the train station so I waved a taxi down. 1200yen later in a warm car, I felt much better and was ready to work! This is all new to me! How I miss sunny So.Cal!

The photo I took when I woke up.

Some heavy snowing 10 minutes before I headed out the door.

The bush outside my work's building. So pretty!

One the way home from the train station, it was not snowing so I was able to walk home but a layer of snow is still sitting on the staircase.

My co-worker, Wasim took this photo at the station where he lives in Kurume, which is further south from Fukuoka. There were a lot more snow and and it was snowing. The poor guy was covered white when he got home!

A month deep in Japan

Sorry for the long delay, folks. I guess I am having a pretty good time here that I have not been able to find time to write. However, I did take a lot of photos. For now, here are a selected few (well, 132 from my 500 photos) with captions. I will write more soon. I promise. Enjoy!

By the way, あけましておめでとう akemashite omedetou/Happy New Year!

A month deep in Japan